I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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