I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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