Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
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