i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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