wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
