I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
