News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
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