Sry I called you an 8
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
First non virgin Sunday. Bursts into flames.
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