So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
