My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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