saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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