i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
