Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
My balls are so social today.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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