She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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