can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
