I molested 6 butterflies tonight
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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