I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
my being single is dangerous.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
