defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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