I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Randomize
