Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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