I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
