what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Don't worry, there is no such thing as a fat, old or ugly blow job.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
Randomize
