my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
