hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
