so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
