Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
