It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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