Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
