Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I don't deserve a penis
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
