my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
