I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
