gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
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