Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Randomize