Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
