Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
NoShamevember. You game?
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
50% drunk capacity currently
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Randomize
