I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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