he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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