I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
It's blow job season.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
