So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
