Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
