god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
