I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
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I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
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I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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