PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I need to wash the frat house off of me
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
