just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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