i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Randomize
