I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
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