You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
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