i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
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We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
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cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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