Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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