Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Randomize
