I'm gonna have a badass scar
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
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When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
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