He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize