so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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