Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
my shit smells like andre
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
