My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Your mouth is God's brothel.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
we went to go get waffles and then i sucked his dick in a parking lot. average tuesday.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
