I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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