now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Randomize
