Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
Randomize
