Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
