I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize