Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Randomize
