"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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