I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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